The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, connection, and celebration. But for individuals in recovery from substance use — and the people who love them — this time of year can bring unique challenges and heightened stress.
If someone you care about is navigating recovery, you might be wondering: How can I support them? How do I set boundaries? What if they’re struggling and I don’t know what to say?
These are important questions, and they deserve thoughtful answers. Let’s explore why the holidays can be particularly difficult for those in recovery, and how you can offer meaningful support without losing yourself in the process.
Why the Holidays Can Trigger Return to Use
The holiday season isn’t universally joyful. For many people — particularly those in recovery — it can be a minefield of triggers and stressors.
- Family dynamics and unresolved conflict. Holiday gatherings often bring together family members who may have complicated histories. Old wounds, unspoken tensions, and difficult relationships can create emotional overwhelm. For someone in recovery, these feelings can be particularly intense and may increase the temptation to use substances as a coping mechanism.
- The prevalence of alcohol. From office parties to family dinners, alcohol is often central to holiday celebrations. For someone working hard to maintain sobriety, constant exposure to drinking — and sometimes pressure to participate — can be exhausting and triggering.
- Grief and loss. The holidays often amplify feelings of grief, whether for loved ones who have passed, relationships that have ended, or the person someone used to be before substance use took hold. This grief can feel especially heavy when surrounded by images of “perfect” holiday gatherings.
- Financial stress. The pressure to buy gifts, travel, and participate in expensive activities can create significant anxiety. Financial stress is a well-documented trigger for return to use.
- Disrupted routines. Recovery often depends on consistent routines — regular therapy appointments, support group meetings, healthy sleep schedules, and structured days. The holidays disrupt these routines, which can leave someone feeling unmoored and vulnerable.
- Loneliness and isolation. Not everyone has family to celebrate with, and not all family situations are safe or healthy. For some people in recovery, the holidays highlight feelings of isolation and disconnection.
Understanding these triggers doesn’t mean you need to fix them all. But awareness helps you approach your loved one with empathy and realistic expectations.
How to Support Without Enabling
Supporting someone in recovery requires a delicate balance. You want to be there for them, but you also don’t want to inadvertently make it easier for them to continue harmful patterns. Here’s how to walk that line.
- Educate yourself about substance use and recovery. Understanding that substance use disorder is a chronic health condition — not a moral failing or a lack of willpower — changes everything. Recovery isn’t linear. Return to use is common and doesn’t mean failure. The more you understand, the more effective your support will be.
- Listen without judgment. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply listen. Create space for your loved one to share what they’re feeling without immediately trying to fix it or offer advice. Ask open-ended questions like, “How are you really doing?” or “What would be most helpful for you right now?”
- Respect their boundaries and decisions. If your loved one says they’re not comfortable attending a particular event, believe them. If they need to leave early or skip certain activities, support that choice. Their recovery has to come first, even if it’s inconvenient for holiday plans.
- Avoid “helping” that actually hinders. Enabling looks like making excuses for someone’s behavior, giving them money without accountability, or shielding them from the natural consequences of their actions. True support means allowing your loved one to take responsibility for their recovery while offering encouragement and resources.
- Don’t try to control their recovery. You can’t make someone stay sober. You can’t monitor their every move. Attempting to control their recovery will exhaust you and potentially damage your relationship. Focus instead on controlling what’s actually in your power: your own actions, boundaries, and self-care.
- Celebrate their progress, not just sobriety milestones. Recovery is about so much more than abstinence. Notice when your loved one is practicing healthy coping skills, attending therapy, rebuilding relationships, or showing up for themselves. These victories matter.
- Know when professional help is needed. If your loved one is in crisis, experiencing severe mental health symptoms, or actively using in ways that are dangerous, professional intervention may be necessary. Trust your instincts and don’t hesitate to reach out for guidance.
Setting Boundaries Around Alcohol at Family Gatherings
If you’re hosting or attending a gathering where someone in recovery will be present, you have an opportunity to create a safer, more supportive environment. Here are some ways to do that.
- Consider hosting an alcohol-free event. This is the most supportive option, though we recognize it won’t work for every family. If you choose to have alcohol available, be thoughtful about it.
- Don’t make a big deal about someone not drinking. Avoid drawing attention to the fact that your loved one isn’t drinking. Don’t ask them repeatedly if they’re sure they don’t want a drink, and don’t press them to explain their choice to other guests.
- Have non-alcoholic options that feel special. Stock sparkling cider, flavored seltzers, mocktails, or specialty teas and coffees. When non-alcoholic drinks are thoughtfully chosen (not just tap water), everyone feels included.
- Be prepared to redirect intrusive questions. If other family members ask insensitive questions about your loved one’s sobriety or recovery, be ready to gently redirect. A simple, “That’s a private matter, and I’m sure they’ll share what they’re comfortable sharing,” can shut down unwanted interrogation.
- Have an exit plan. Talk with your loved one ahead of time about what they’ll do if they start to feel overwhelmed. Maybe that’s stepping outside for fresh air, calling their sponsor, or simply leaving early. Knowing there’s a plan can reduce anxiety.
- Don’t glamorize drinking. Be mindful of how you talk about alcohol. Avoid statements like, “I need this drink to get through the holidays!” or “This wine is the only thing keeping me sane.” These comments can be alienating for someone in recovery.
- Respect their choice to skip the event entirely. If your loved one decides the gathering isn’t safe for their recovery, support that decision without guilt-tripping or making them feel like they’re ruining the holiday.
When to Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, love and support from family aren’t enough. Recognizing when professional help is needed — and encouraging your loved one to seek it — is one of the most important things you can do.
Signs that professional support may be needed:
- Your loved one talks about using substances or expresses cravings they’re struggling to manage
- They’re isolating themselves or withdrawing from support systems
- You notice changes in their behavior, mood, or appearance that concern you
- They’re experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health challenges
- They’ve returned to use after a period of sobriety
- They’re in a crisis situation or expressing thoughts of self-harm
Where to turn:
If your loved one is struggling with substance use, our Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselors (LADCs) are here to help. We offer individual and group counseling, education about substance use disorder, and support with implementing healthy coping strategies. Our approach is compassionate, evidence-based, and focused on meeting each person where they are in their recovery journey.
For immediate support, the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7. Call or text 988 anytime. For substance use-specific support, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) helpline is available at 1-800-662-4357.
Taking Care of Yourself
Here’s something that doesn’t get said enough: supporting someone in recovery is hard. It’s emotionally exhausting. It can strain relationships, disrupt your own plans, and leave you feeling helpless.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s necessary.
- Set boundaries that protect your own well-being. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to limit how much emotional energy you give. You’re allowed to take a break. Boundaries aren’t about punishing your loved one; they’re about preserving your own mental health so you can continue showing up.
- Seek support for yourself. Consider joining a support group like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, which are specifically designed for family members and loved ones of people with substance use disorders. Talking with others who understand can be incredibly validating.
- Don’t neglect your own mental health. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or burned out, please reach out for help. You deserve support too.
- Remember: You didn’t cause this, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. This is one of the core principles of Al-Anon, and it bears repeating. Your loved one’s substance use disorder is not your fault. Their recovery is not your responsibility. You can offer love and support, but ultimately, they have to do the work.
A Final Word
The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. In fact, sometimes the most authentic celebrations are the ones that acknowledge difficulty alongside joy.
If someone you love is in recovery, your support matters more than you know — not because you can fix their struggle, but because you can walk alongside them through it. You can create space for honesty. You can respect their boundaries. You can celebrate their courage.
And if your loved one is struggling right now, remember recovery is possible, setbacks don’t erase progress, and asking for help is a sign of strength.
If you or someone you love needs support with substance use, we’re here. Learn more about our substance use services, or reach out to our team at (207) 333-3278.
You don’t have to navigate this season — or any season — alone.
