Question: I was widowed last year and am now the single mum to 2 great kids. I’ve been dating for some time a man with 2 kids of his own. We have gotten our families together several times. The kids get along well but have significantly different personalities. My boyfriend and I have discussed the possibility of moving in with one another, and I am looking for advice on how to broach the subject with my children. I’m not sure they will see this as happy news. Thank you for your consideration.

Answer: I am going to start out by asking you to bear with me because the first part of my answer is not really what your question was about. I will come back to it, but there are things (and people) I want you to consider first. Importantly, you are first. You shared that you just lost a husband in the last year and are new to the single mum experience. Then there are your two children who have lost a dad and are getting used to having only one parent. Then, there is your new boyfriend to think about since this is a new relationship for you, and him. Then, there are his two kids to consider. This is not just one new relationship, it is six. To answer you, I would like to pose my own questions. How have your children expressed their grief over the death of their father? Are either of them having problems at school or any disturbance of mood or behavior since his death? This would be the same question I would ask of someone entering a new relationship following a divorce. Everyone handles these loses differently. You may be ready to move on, but your children may not. Also, after a loss, it may be difficult to trust your own emotions. What feels like love may just feel better than being alone. You have lots to consider. Moving in together is a really big step. My advice would be to consider this carefully. If your children do really like this person, but you decide it isn’t right, then they will experience another loss. Since you are already sensing that they may not see this as happy news, slow the pace down and see how things go as the relationships develop. Now, let’s look at your question on broaching the subject with your children. When you feel you have assessed and responded to the concerns above, start with a series of discussions about blending the families. Introduce it. Give the children time to process it. Talk about it again and hear their concerns. Think about and address their concerns. Then talk about it again. During this time, join the families together repeatedly and watch the dynamics and also how your boyfriend parents his children. How you handle major things in your children’s lives can impact them positively and negatively. This new blended family relationship is an important one. It may be a wonderful one. Moving carefully and lovingly around how these changes affect your children, shows the high value you put on their well being.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on June 23, 2017by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid

Posted on June 1, 2017by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on May 11, 2017

Question: My seven year old whines a lot….a lot…a whole lot. He whines so much that I am beginning to get resentful and lose patience easily. I feel as though I am very consistent in not giving into the whining and yet it continues. He is never rewarded for whining and I have gotten to the point where I walk out of the room when he begins to. This is usually met with stomping of feet and slamming of his bedroom door only for him to appear later sulking around. I’m losing patience and starting to wonder if more is going on than his desire for a treat or to watch television. How do I know what is normal whining and how do I deal with it without losing my cool?

Answer: It is difficult in our busy lives to divvy out attention when needed, or wanted, on demand: hence, the invention of whining. Whining is hard to take. It sounds like you have tried coping as best you can. Children are whining to get more attention, or when they are over tired and hungry. Try to assess which it is. If they are hungry ask them to help make the meal while they crunch on carrots. This way the child gets your attention and a healthy snack. Sometimes the attention they get is negative attention (like you losing your cool) but, it is attention none the less. Also, investigate where the whining is working for the child, whether it is at home, school, or daycare. Behaviors exist because they work for the child. This step, when identified, can make it much more successful in extinguishing the behavior. 

The most important thing is to not reinforce the behavior, which it sounds like you have been trying to do. At a time when it is calm with no whining going on, explain that there is a new rule…NO WHINING. Explain that if whining happens, it will be ignored. Only when requests are made without whining will attention be paid to them. This can be turned into a fun family discussion, introducing stickers for specific rewards especially for the young ones, and opportunities for special attention when the stickers show consistent behavior (Ex. “Mom and me”, or “Dad and me” time, to play catch or go for ice cream. In my house, it was a special shopping trip for a new GI Joe!). In fact, initially try to respond to in a positive and happy way when your child’s behaviors are the opposite of whining. Like when he/she asks politely or uses big boy/girl words. 

Here are some tips for eliminating whining for shopping in stores. Talk about the ground rules for purchases (and whining) before the trip. An important lesson to follow, takes time, but is well worth it. If your child tries to manipulate you by whining in a store, take the child by hand and walk out of the store putting purchases back in their places and promptly leave. Make sure that the child knows that it is because of the whining and not following the new rule. You usually will only have to do that only once. However, you must be consistent in not responding to whining. Your child needs to know that you are in charge, that the rules are important and that you will enforce them. I have been in stores and have witnessed a child who is whining about wanting an item, the parent says ‘no’… the child continues whining, cajoling, and pleading… the parent threatens loss of TV, or straight to bed once home…the child continues to whine…now everyone is watching the drama…at wits end, the parent buys the child the item. The whole affair leaves the parent stressed, angry and embarrassed. The whining and bad behavior was reinforced and the 7 year old is in charge. The best scenario would be to take the child out of the store as soon as the whining starts. Establish that whining will not be tolerated and no purchases will be made for the child. 

The second part of my reply is about what you questioned was “normal whining.” That’s always a good question for a parent to ask. Children need different things at different phases of their young lives. Sometimes they are uncertain of themselves and just need reassurance that they are loved. They are trying to grow up, but they are still a child. Spend some time one-on-one for ‘hug and talk time’ (away from other siblings) to explore what else might be going on. If your senses tell you there is something more going on, and special attention is not helping, there are many ways counselors can help children learn skills and cope with emotions. Counselors who work with children have toys, sandboxes, games, drums and other cool kid stuff which helps make it a positive experience. Counselors can also identify when your child appears to be developing just fine!

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on May 15, 2017by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on Apr 12, 2017

Do you have a question for our experts? Email kaytd@macaronikid.com with “Ask the Experts“ in the subject line. (Please note: If we select your question for inclusion in Macaroni Kid, your name or any identifying characteristics will not be included.)

Question: My 10 year old has developed breasts before any other girl in her class. She is getting teased about it (kids saying she stuffs her bra). She is very self-conscious and has started wearing baggy shirts and sweatshirts. How can I help her feel better about herself and not feel self-conscious?

Answer: While we are delighted to see our children hit the milestones toward adulthood, it is difficult to watch them be challenged, especially by their own bodies. Puberty is awkward. Some girls develop breasts early, some quite late (and they get teased also). The best you can do is to allow her freedom to be comfortable as she changes and to choose the clothes she wants to wear. Soon all the other girls will catch up and she won’t feel all alone. Sharing your own experiences during this time of life might also help to normalize her feelings. Remind her that everyone in her class has something about themselves that makes them uncomfortable. Some may feel too tall, too short, too fat, too thin…sometimes it is something that can’t be seen; she is not alone in her discomfort. The point is that this situation will pass. Your job is to help her grow to love her healthy body (breasts and all); she is going to need it going forward! There is a helpful book for girls called My Body Myself by Lynda Madaras. There is one written for boys as well.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on April 13, 2017by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on Mar 9, 2017

Do you have a question for our experts? Email kaytd@macaronikid.com with “Ask the Experts“ in the subject line. (Please note: If we select your question for inclusion in Macaroni Kid, your name or any identifying characteristics will not be included.)

Question: My son is angry all the time. He has friends, makes good grades and doesn’t seem to have a worry in the world but he is always angry. He has been raising his voice a lot and recently was sent home from school for pushing another boy. We have tried grounding him, taking away screens and deducting his allowance as consequences. It doesn’t seem to help. How can we help him better cope with his emotions?

Answer: Sometimes being a kid is tough. It is important to remember that anger is one of our primary emotions. Everyone experiences anger. Learning to express it in healthy ways is better for all of us. This is a great opportunity to help your son learn a skill that will serve him all his life. Explore with him the emotions that are underlying his expression of anger. A question you may ask him after he has calmed down is, “I noticed you were really angry today. Is something happening at home or at school that is upsetting you?” Remind him that he can always talk with you about things that trouble him. Perhaps he is experiencing being bullied or ridiculed at school, causing him to lash out. Maybe he feels he is not being listened to, or is being treated unfairly. His perceptions may even be wrong, but his need to talk about them is real. You can help your son learn to express his anger by saying, “I feel angry when you….” This can diffuse a situation. Seeing our kid’s anger is tough for parents. Sometimes we yell back, sometimes we give in, and sometimes we don’t do anything. The most important thing to do is to not let it go. Even if you wait until the dust settles, go back and talk about it. As parents, we have to remember that we model how anger is expressed, or not expressed. Kids learn from how we cope. You must model that it is never okay to physically attack another in anger, and to always to apologize when we hurt another’s feelings with our anger. Counseling could be helpful if the outbursts continue. You son could learn some coping skills and how to speak up for himself.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on April 5, 2017by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid