This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on September 13, 2018 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question:  Everything with my four-year-old is a battle. From brushing teeth to getting dressed, to choosing what she wants to eat–every discussion seems to turn into a battle. I have tried being patient, I have tried giving choices; I have tried time-outs. Nothing seems to work. I’m pulling my hair out here! How can I decrease the battles?

Answer: “There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is a good question and one about which many parents can relate.  Kids like decisive, strong characters, like superheroes. They like the fantasy that a larger-than-life figure will step in and make everything right (not to mention the superpowers, lighting bolts, and power rings)! Parents need to think of themselves as the superheroes, the “Deciders.” If your choice is for your daughter to go outside to play, then don’t give her the chance to negotiate. Initially, there will be battles, but adopting an attitude of the one in charge will pay off. First, let’s start with your approach. Instead of asking, “Do you want to go outside?” change it to an upbeat, “Here are your shoes; put them on. We are going outside!”  

The fewer choices you offer her at this age the better. There are times we give kids choices and times we just need them to do what we ask. On a busy road, you don’t want to have a discussion or battle about whether they should venture out. There are times when they just need to listen. Choices are for when there are equally acceptable outcomes, you are not up against a time crunch, or the choice of healthy vs. unhealthy eating.

After having weathered a lot of battles it is easy to get off track. The threat of the battle can make a parent give in inappropriately, which ends up making the battle a tool in the four-year- old’s toolbox. If they find they get away with not doing what they are told, with no consequence, the behavior will continue. For example, when you tell the child that you are not buying anything extra on a shopping trip, and then they are whining and nagging for you to buy them something, the worst thing you can do is to give in and buy it. That will pretty much confirm that the child is in control. It will happen again and again.  

When children continually argue and battle with you, step back to look at the big picture. Children’s behaviors happen for a reason. What is your daughter trying to tell you? Is there a new baby in the house or another child that demands more time or has greater needs? This can cause a child to feel like they need to exert themselves and regain some of that attention. Take time out with her, and explore what might be going on. Evaluate for yourself if there is some emotional reason behind the battle. Provide some one-on-one attention, on her level, eye-to-eye. Let her know that it is hard to do things you don’t want to do and that sometimes parents feel that way, too.  

Giving advance notice of pending bedtimes or other events can help eliminate the resistance and help the child prepare psychologically. Kids need some transition time. That is especially important if your child has any developmental delays. A gentle reminder that in 10 minutes the TV will be turned-off can make it go more smoothly. Have her get ready for bed early, before the last activity of the evening to prevent needing to get her to comply when she is over-tired.

It is not always easy for busy parents to make an activity fun but, when possible, it can help. Teeth brushing can be done together. One mother told me she encourages her son to brush out the “sugar bugs” which he likes, and another challenges her child to try to sing while brushing and they laugh together at the silly results. Daniel Tiger, a favorite character, encourages positive behavior in a book about teeth brushing.  Playfulness on your part can make complying easier.

The big key is consistency. Be firm about your rules. Ultimately, this makes children feel secure by making their world predictable. Like a superhero, parents need to follow through and mean what they say. If you set consequences for not behaving, make sure the consequences happen. Consistency pays off because your kids learn that you are to be taken seriously. The result is that there ends up being no need to battle because the outcome is already decided.

Lastly, catch them doing well. Make a big deal of the one time there was no “battle” and tell them they made this day special because they cooperated. Provide incentives like stickers or treats to celebrate their good choice of NO BATTLE.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on September 13, 2018by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on August 22, 2018 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question:  The transition from summer to back-to-school is always a difficult one in our household. I do a terrible job enforcing a schedule in the summer. (I am a teacher so I am home with the kids for most of the summer.) Other than shifting to regular school-year bedtimes and schedules closer to school starting, what are other ways in which I can help make the transition easier?

Enforcing a schedule in the summer is not easy and not expected; even a teacher can get away with that!  The lack of routine and not having to be at school at a certain time makes summer special and fun.   But as summer wears on, many of us (students and parents) secretly yearn for the normalcy and routine that back-to-school brings.  

Here are some ideas which others have used:

–Begin talking about going back to school early and often.

–Get organized.  Get out old clothes and see what fits.  Plan a shopping trip for a few new items. This will get them started thinking about school.  For me this was a special event that included lunch out with mom (a big deal) and new school shoes.

–New school supplies are definitely a reminder.  A clean, blank notebook holds a lot of promise. 

–Invite some school friends over who they don’t usually see during the summer.  It’s an icebreaker of sorts. 

–Talk to the kids about what might make it easier to get back into routine. Including them helps to foster the desired change. 

–Let them practice setting and getting up using an alarm clock; it’s a grown up thing to do.

–Slowly start rolling back bedtimes and wake times, and start “predicting” by saying things like, “This time next week you’ll be riding the bus/meeting your new teacher”.

–Once it is open again, make a trip to the school to see the classroom or visit the playground.  This allows the kids to get that school feeling again and lessens anxiety.

–Try developing a new tradition of the “back to school dinner” with tacos or pizza, where the talk is all about the new school year.  Give it a good build up by talking about it days ahead.  Ask questions such as: Who are they looking forward to seeing?  What do they want to get better at doing?  Can they set a goal?

–Pick out a first-day-of-school outfit a few days before school starts.

–Make a chart for the things that need to get done or behaviors that are desired as the school year starts, which could earn an ice cream outing if progress is made.  The kids should help decide what goes on the chart.  The chart might also include things like “Snuggle with Mommy” if awake by 7:00.  The chart can reflect each child’s morning needs but sets it on a timeframe to allow for getting ready.

–Remember that TV and other screens can be a huge distraction from the task to get ready in the morning.  Even if it is a network morning show which you like, it will distract everyone.  Then it leads to yelling about getting ready and finding things.  Talk ahead of time about how you will handle requested screen time on school mornings.  Lively music might be a better choice.

–Lastly, start to plan what you need to do to take care of yourself this school year.  Do you need to get up before the kids, to have that much needed alone/coffee time?  What will help you be your best-self for facing the day?  What are things that were difficult during the last school year for which it might be best to do some advance planning?  Getting school days started as stress-free as possible is good for you and for them.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on September 4, 2018by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on July 16, 2018 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

QUESTION: We have two children 7 years apart in age. They do not have much in common and it seems the older they get, the less they like each other. How can I help them see each other as siblings rather than strangers?

ANSWER: It is a challenge to have children who have such age differences.  Kids can easily go their own way causing them to interact less and less. Changing this dynamic takes effort from the parents to create activities and opportunities for bonding. Family relationships form our early experiences of our sense of belonging. It is important to foster that sense in our daily interactions by insisting on kind, and fun ways to communicate. When we feel we belong, and home is a warm and safe place, we set out in life secure in ourselves. That sense of security is at the root of a child’s self-esteem and promotes skills that help with success in life. That is why sibling relationships can be significant for development.

Shared experiences are very important ways to make family memories which include both children together. Family hikes, a day of playing in a natural waterfall, art projects, games and cooking projects, are examples of opportunities to make memories. When making family memories it is important not to always include friends, then the siblings are forced to interact with each other.  

Creating an opportunity for mentoring, where the older sibling teaches and guides the younger one for example, learning to tie knots or solve a problem, can help the older sibling realize that they have an important role. When children have a younger sibling it helps to encourage an active role in soothing an upset toddler or providing kisses for boo boos, and giving hugs at bedtime.  

Most importantly, don’t allow teasing. Teasing is a form of bullying that interferes with helping home be a safe and secure place. When left unchecked, teasing/bullying can drive a wedge in sibling relationships; bullying at home can leave adult siblings distant for life. This is when it is important for the parent to intercede firmly and repeatedly until it stops.  

As parents, we have so much to do just to keep everyone fed, clothed and up and ready when everyone has to get out of the house. Yet, fostering family togetherness and bonding is essential, the effects of which can last a lifetime. It is good that you are identifying a possible problem. I wish you all the best in your efforts.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on July 23, 2018by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on June 19, 2018 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question:  My wife and I are split.  She is a teacher and will spend much of the summer with her family out of state.  Our kids are going with her.  I’ve been getting great ideas for things to do with my kids from Macaroni Kid.  I am at a loss as to how to stay in touch and stay close to them when they are away though.  Can you share some ideas?

Answer: You already sound like a good dad, because this is important to you.  It is difficult being separated. Your efforts to stay connected with your kids will be meaningful and leave a lasting impression. Things will pick right back up when they get home. Did you ever meet an old friend whom you had lost touch with and feel as if no time had passed at all? Your bond with your kids is even greater than that. Military families go through some of these feelings and there have been inspirational products developed to help address it. One that I like is a recordable book called “Under the Same Moon.” If your children are of storybook age, they will enjoy the book again and again as they listen with your recorded voice reading to them. The premise is that your children can look up at the moon and know that you are looking at the same moon. It gives that feeling of connection. If they are young ones, there are recordable stuffed animals that allow you to wish them goodnight when they press the belly.

I solicited ideas from officemates, many of whom are parents and divorced parents, some with the same concerns. One father shared that he would really struggle if he couldn’t have regular contact with his kids. You are not alone. Many of them thought that children love to get mail and that sending notes, stickers, pages to color, postcards, pictures of you and the like, would give them delight and let them know that each time a letter arrives, that you are thinking about them. Once as a child, I received a letter from a family member and it had a stick of gum enclosed; a sweet surprise! Online or in craft stores you can purchase blank puzzles that you can write on. Your children will have to put together the puzzle before they read the note or see the picture. It doubles the fun and pleasure.  

Facetime and Skype are wonderful tools. One person said that her dad set a regular time for their weekly call, and she looked forward to it. Remember that kids don’t always know what to say, clamming-up with a phone in their hands. Have a knock-knock joke, story or other questions to help them open up to be ready to share their days with you. Ask about cousins, animals, and be supportive of things their mom and grandparents are having them do. You could also have a project in mind that you are planning on working on together which you can talk about; perhaps a video you want to make, or a rocket to build, once they are home. Keep your calls short but regular. If there is discord between you and their mother, remember that this situation places your children in the middle, so navigate carefully. It is not their job to stand up for, protect the feelings of, or keep secrets from the other parent. One dad who had experienced divorce and separation cautioned to stay away from ostentatious or expensive gifts, as those can be interpreted as competition with mom. He shared that your efforts for connection and knowing that dad cares is worth it in the long run. I hope this helps and this time of separation goes by quickly.

For any reader that may have difficulty with divorce and co-parenting or have children who are affected by this situation, counseling can help.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on June 25, 2018by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on May 30, 2018 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question:  My ex-husband is an alcoholic. My kids have a good relationship with their dad and see him regularly. Their dad refuses to admit he is an alcoholic or seek help (part of why our marriage ended).  Alcoholism runs in his family and I know it’s important to have conversation with my kids about that before they get to an age where they might be tempted to drink.  How early do I start those conversations and how do I do it without undermining their dad or having them think differently about him?

Answer:  I have to congratulate you on your careful question and your concern to not undermine the children’s father in light of his drinking, which contributed to end of the marriage. You are right, it is very important to talk with your children about drinking and the possible genetic history of alcoholism in the family, before they decide to drink. Best case scenario they never even take a first drink.  

Ways to go about talking with your kids about this subject does depend on their ages. The beginnings of the conversation can start with other inherited traits like eye, hair and skin color which are prevalent in the family. It will be helpful for them to know that some traits and genetic leanings are good, and some, not so good. Every family has both. Education about other predisposed conditions in the family, such as diabetes, should be discussed, as well as the possibility of the disease of addiction. With teens, a good activity is a family internet research session together, where you can help with some guided exploring on the subject. 

If questions come up about their father you can explain that addiction is a tricky disease that tells an individual that they don’t have it. You can explain that you and their father disagree about whether he has a problem, but that you feel it is important they be aware of the risks.  

Revisit this conversation often, perhaps if it comes up in a TV show or news clip; turn the conversation back to your family.   Stress repeatedly in a variety of ways that living with addiction is no way for them to live. Addiction hurts lives; it affects an individual’s thinking and health. It can cause job loss and end relationships. Always include that no one sets out to get addicted, but addiction starts out like a fun friend that you allow to live in your home, who ends up robbing you. Encourage them to talk with you about drinking and drug use when they feel challenged or have questions. Set firm boundaries about drug and alcohol use as they move into teenage years, and talk with them often. Remind them that rules mean that you love them enough to care that they turn out healthy and well.

Everyone needs to know that the genetic link with substance abuse disorders is not the only thing to consider. Parents who use substances may make choices that are not in the best interest of their children. Questions to consider are: Does he/she drink or use drugs when around the children? Have they seen him/her drunk? Does he/she drive when using alcohol and drugs, with the children in the car? Are the children put in the position of covering for, cleaning up after, or lying, in order to rescue the addicted parent, or, are older children inappropriately stepping in the role of “parent” when the adult is using? People who are in a relationship with a person with addiction are affected by that person’s use in very serious ways.  Counseling and groups like Al-Anon or Al-ateen are amazingly helpful to family members.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on May 31, 2018by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on April 16, 2018 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Comment: I really love this Q & A column.  I always read it and even if the information doesn’t pertain to me, I usually know someone that it does and will send it along.  I now have a question of my own!  

From Luanne: Thank you so much!  The questions are great.  I’m so glad the column is helpful.  Sometimes it is a team effort among those that work at Health Affiliates Maine – lots of moms and lots of counselors, all whom willingly share their thoughts with me.  The answer to your question was one of those joint efforts!  Thanks to Marylena Chaisson, Heather Moreau, Lana Herring, and Andrea Krebs for insights and contribution to today’s answer.  

Question:  My little guy is seven and very curious about the world around him.  He is not shy in the least and often will ask questions to strangers.  Sometimes these questions can be received as insulting rather than as he means them—in curiosity.  He has asked questions about someone’s weight, their race and even why someone had a rash on their arm.  We have had a lot of conversations about how his questions can be received and even had a plan for him to ask me questions first and then we decide together if he can ask others.  He is a bit too impulsive for this plan to have ever worked though.  I fear that by seven, these social skills should be in place and am wondering if there may be more to it.  I would love to know how to best talk to my son to help him understand he can be curious but needs to be cautious.  

Answer:  Your child is at a natural age of curiousness, and he is wondering about differences in people. Your son’s questions are very appropriate for his age.  Seven is an important early learning time which prepares him for the future when he will be functioning more on his own. Managing his curiosity and impulsiveness is an important skill, and he needs practice! You can help him by addressing each issue on the spot or shortly after to ensure the learning. Naturally, you have to quickly assess when it is best addressed. Sometimes this situation is more uncomfortable for the parent, so having key phases to use can be helpful, for example, “Tommy loves to connect with people but he is still learning the right kind of questions to ask.”  Having a signal like a gentle squeeze of the hand indicating that they have crossed the line may be helpful, and then addressing the question later.    

Learning to manage his impulses is a big part of the picture, which you seem to recognize.  Games can be helpful, such as Simon Says, Red Light Green Light, and Follow the Leader which will give your child opportunities to practice impulse control and train his brain to listen and have better self-control. This is a fun family activity. This is a good time to introduce empathy; children are capable of understanding when someone’s feelings may be hurt.  Help him recall when perhaps someone pointed something out that he may be uncomfortable with, or could have been teased about. This makes for a parallel connection and can start him on a path of recognizing that everyone struggles from time to time with problems and disabilities which affect the way we look, feel, and act. Life also teaches lessons. One time my little son asked a man in an elevator why he was bald. The man quickly asked him, “Why are you so short?”  Sometimes the rebuke from a stranger can foster your child to be more careful in the future.  Also, talking about diversity and differences as a part of everyday conversation, and being matter-of-fact about everyone not being the same, is helpful.  Exposing kids to diversity – whether it is playmates of different races or ethnicities, or toys like the American Girl dolls, which now have options for wheelchairs or other physical accommodations – is important to make accepting differences very natural. Always give him positive attention when he expresses kindness, helpfulness and appropriate conversation, which will help him gain confidence. 

It is positive that your son has some comfort in speaking to strangers. Sometimes as parents, we overdue “stranger danger” warnings and children don’t end up practicing important social skills like greeting people with a smile, speaking when spoken to, and making eye contact.  

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

Posted on April 24, 2018by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid