Articles & Trainings

Special Needs Child Means Marriage Has Special Needs

I am a married mom of a child with significant special needs. My husband and I have been struggling a lot lately because we both work full-time jobs and then spend most of our free time caring for our home and our son.

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on April 10, 2019 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question:I am a married mom of a child with significant special needs. My husband and I have been struggling a lot lately because we both work full-time jobs and then spend most of our free time caring for our home and our son. Caring for our son is a full-time job alone. We love him dearly, of course, but he requires constant care, even needing care during the night. We literally have no time to ourselves or for each other. We are fighting a lot and about things we never used to, especially who is doing more around the house or for our son. Date nights are nearly impossible as we do not have family close by and we could not leave our son with someone without significant training. We need ways to work together without fighting and to reconnect. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer: 

Thank you for writing and asking your question. Many people don’t realize the difficulties involved in families with special needs children. You are not alone, even though it may, many times, feel that way. I’m glad you are reaching out before the stress of caregiving and the fighting does damage to your marriage. Often couples wait to get help only after significant damage has been done to the relationship. Not knowing the age or type of special needs of your child, I will provide a spectrum of suggestions in hopes that you and other parents will find one that will help.

  1. Tap into Respite Services (Info taken from OCFS and NAMI sites). Respite services are available to families with children with disabilities through three regional agencies in Maine. Respite can take place in your home, in the home of the respite worker, or in the community. Though the service is funded by the Office of Child and Family Services (OCFS), each agency determines the eligibility, decides on the allocation, and arranges for respite services. National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) also has Family Respite services; there is information at this website. NAMI Maine Family Respite exists to assist families by enabling a much needed break in the responsibility of caring for a child with significant developmental delays, and behavioral or emotional disorders.

    https://www.maine.gov/dhhs/ocfs/cbhs/family/respite.html
    https://www.namimaine.org/page/FamilyRespite

  1. Get creative about together time. Use your vacation time or lunch time to take dates with your husband while your child is in school or services. Make it a once-a-week priority.
  1. Seek help from a telehealth counselor or in-home counselor. A counselor can help you to find ways to work together without fighting and to reconnect—and if leaving for this service is impossible, the service can come to you.  Many counselors offer secure therapy services through telehealth and many insurance companies reimburse for this service.
  1. Make a purposeful effort to appreciate each other in big and small ways.  Show appreciation and respect for each other by recognizing effort—for example, noticing when unasked-for help is given, when interventions with your son were tried, when needs were anticipated and attended to. This will go a long way in making your situation more tolerable.
  1. Become an advocate for yourself and your son. You may be eligible for a variety of services which may help make yours and your son’s life easier. Inquire at agencies about what services they offer. Research online. The Maine Parent Federation is a good place to start. Visit them online at www.mpf.org.  
  1. Subscribe to news feeds. They can give you up-to-date information, ideas, and support.
  1. Look for ways amid your busy life to show your love and affection for each other. You are in this together, a team; you are each other’s best means of support. Work at keeping that in focus.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

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Posted on by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid, Q+ATagged , , , ,

Struggling with Sexual Identity

My husband and I suspect our daughter (age 15) is a lesbian. Is it best for us to broach the subject with her or best to wait until she is ready to talk with us?

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on March 21, 2019 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question: My husband and I suspect our daughter (age 15) is a lesbian. We’ve actually suspected so for a few years now and the high school years have made it more clear to us. She has not said anything directly to us, or to anyone that we know of. We want to fully support her as best we can. Is it best for us to broach the subject with her or best to wait until she is ready to talk with us? I don’t want her to feel pressured to come out but I also want her to know we are in her corner. 

Answer: I like your last sentence.  This is probably what she needs to hear from you, that you are in her corner. Struggling with sexual identity is difficult. All of us thrive when we are authentic to who we are, however, it can be the hardest thing to talk to loved ones about. Big questions like: Will they be hurt? Will they disown me? Will I bring shame to the family? Will they expect me to change? You, however, seem to hit all the right notes of accepting and caring.  

By your words and actions you can continue to let her know:

  • you care about her  
  • you love her just as she is
  • you are open to conversations on all subjects 
  • you are willing to learn about differences
  • you want to support her

Your daughter will talk about it when she is ready. She may be in a state of questioning herself. Some individuals have reported being “outed” by someone before they were ready, and this had been damaging. You can demonstrate your acceptance and support by such things as attending events involving the gay community, inviting your gay friends to your home, or perhaps watching movies that depict gay characters. Many parents have gone down this road before you and can provide valuable information. Investigate organizations that focus on these issues like The Family Acceptance Project, PFLAG, and other online and community resources.  

Note to all parents: As parents, we hold a vision in our heads as to who our children are, what they will be, and what their future relationships will look like. Sometimes the picture in our head does not match the current reality. This can cause distress. It is important for you to allow yourself time to work through this and get support if you need it. Individual or family counseling can help. Always stay focused on loving your child, no matter what. The goal is for us to nurture and raise, what I think of as good humans; which are healthy, independent, adults who care about themselves, each other and the world.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

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Posted on by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid, Q+ATagged , , , ,

Teen Suicide: It’s Not Just Drama

Adolescence is a time of change, change that is often frightening and confusing for teens. Their bodies are changing. Their minds, too, are changing, but they are not yet ready for all of the decisions they face.

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on March 5, 2019 by Mary A. Gagnon, LMFT; Health Affiliates Maine

“She’s such a drama queen.”

“All he wants is attention.”

“They’re not serious.”

These words—and others like them—lead to the dangerous belief that a teen who is talking about suicide should be dismissed or, even worse, purposely ignored. Those beliefs can sometimes lead to tragic results.

Adolescence is a time of change, change that is often frightening and confusing for teens. Their bodies are changing. Their minds, too, are changing, but they are not yet ready for all of the decisions they face. It’s important to understand this because teens often act without thinking and have little experience in managing their emotions. These are two risk factors for suicide. Other risk factors—mental health issues, poor coping/social skills, perfectionism, unrealistic parental expectations, family conflict, abuse, and more—heighten the risk for teens already struggling to learn how to become adults. 

As adults, it’s easy to brush off a teen’s behavior as “dramatic” or “attention-seeking.” So how can we tell the difference between a teen having a bad day and a teen who needs more support? Look for some of these signs:

  • Threatening to hurt or kill themselves
  • Making plans to kill themselves
  • Expressing hopelessness about the future
  • Displaying extreme distress or emotionality (more than is typical for a person their age or for the teen in general)
  • Increase in agitation, irritability, anger (more than is typical, or an extreme change)
  • Withdrawal from activities they used to enjoy

What can you do if you suspect that an adolescent is thinking about suicide? First, you show them you care. Ask them how they’re doing. Ask them what’s going on in their lives, who their friends are, how their academics are going, how they’re feeling. And if they tell you, listen. Teens know if you’re not being sincere, so don’t make it an interrogation—make it a curious, genuine inquiry. Second, you ask the question—Are you thinking about suicide? Yes, it’s direct, and yes, it’s scary. However, it’s the only way to get the answers you need, and the consequences of not asking could be dire. Don’t worry—you won’t put the idea in their heads. That’s a myth. And third, you get them help. If they say yes, you make sure to connect them with a mental health or medical professional right away, and do not leave them alone. If they say no, it’s still a good idea to help them connect to a mental health professional because even if they aren’t planning to take their own lives, chances are good that they could use some extra support.

One of the major factors in preventing suicide is the presence of caring adults in the lives of teens. Truly, adults can make the difference for adolescents considering suicide. Be the difference. Show you care.

*Credit to the Maine Suicide Prevention Program (www.namimaine.org) for information regarding signs and risk factors for suicide.

Mary Gagnon is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Training and Clinical Development Specialist for Health Affiliates Maine.  Mary has worked in private practice as well as a variety of community mental health settings throughout her career.  Her most recent work at Health Affiliates Maine includes oversight of clinicians in private practice and development and facilitation of trainings for schools and conferences throughout the state.  She is also trained to provide Suicide Prevention Awareness sessions for the Maine Suicide Prevention Program.

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Posted on by Author Mary Gagnonin Categories #EndTheStigma, Understanding Mental IllnessTagged , , , , , , ,

Cold Dark Season Has Reader Depressed

Winter is here and it is a difficult time for me. Between the cold, the dark, and the lack of outdoor time, I get really depressed. I know about SAD and have tried light therapy. I think it helps some but not enough. What other things can I try?

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on February 13, 2019 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question: 

Winter is here and it is a difficult time for me. Between the cold, the dark, and the lack of outdoor time, I get really depressed. I know about SAD and have tried light therapy. I think it helps some but not enough. What other things can I try?

Answer: 

Winter is a difficult time for many.  Some people enjoy winter because they have sports like skiing or snowmobiling, which causes them to look forward to it.  For many of us, winter is to be tolerated.  Some, like you, have the added difficulty where seasonal circumstances, like the lack of light, which affects your mood and leads to depression.  For some, the difficult months come on in February and March due to an accumulated effect of reduced daylight.  You mentioned SAD, which stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder.  SAD can cause depressed mood, social withdrawal, and mental health problems like increased anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts.  

Here are some interventions that can help:

Preplan winter.  As the winter season approaches each year, fill your calendar with activities both social and physical.  Schedule lunch with friends, movie nights, family game and puzzle challenges.  Have a lot of interactions with people you care about.  Social supports and things to look forward to can make the winter seem to go faster.

Bundle up and get out!   Plan to be outside in the morning or the middle of the day whether it is cloudy or sunny.  Daylight helps; try to get out whenever you can.  Some sufferers like to wear yellow lenses which reduce blue light and make everything brighter.

Buddy up with another that may also be troubled by the difficult winter.  You can help motivate each other with physical activity and healthy eating.

Boost up the self-care.  This is the time to focus on your own needs.  Do an inventory of the physical, social, emotional, and spiritual areas of your life.  Are there any needing attention or outlet?  What can you add to bring life into balance? Counselors can help with this.

Use your light therapy every day. Think of it as a daily medication. Start in the fall as the daylight first starts to shorten. Place the light in front of you every morning for a half hour.  Eat breakfast by it or read.  Do it every day.

Plan a winter getaway.  If you have the means, taking a vacation to a sunny climate during winter months can be a real lift.

Check with your doctor.  This problem is likely to come back every year, as long as you live where the days are shorter in the winter.  If you haven’t already, see your doctor for medication, It is best to do this in the early fall so the medication will be at therapeutic levels come the dark months. This will help with the hormone imbalance caused by the lack of light.

Consider vitamin D.  Ask your doctor about this.  People who live in wintery climates often have low levels of vitamin D.  This is the vitamin that is produced in our bodies by sunlight interacting with our skin and has many healthful purposes, including treating and preventing depression.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

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Posted on by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Q+A, Understanding Mental IllnessTagged , , , , ,

Health Scare Calls for Self Care

I recently had a health scare. While I am okay, my doctor has urged me to take better care of myself, in particular, carving out time for reducing stress...

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on January 16, 2019 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question: I recently had a health scare. While I am okay, my doctor has urged me to take better care of myself, in particular, carving out time for reducing stress. I have been successful in making some changes to diet and increasing my exercise but I really struggle with finding ways to relax and unwind. I’m not the bubble bath taking or knitting type. I think a lot of people struggle with this so I hope my question is helpful to others as well: What activities can help me reduce stress?

Answer: 

I am glad you are okay.  Stress is a killer, and we all need to realize the immediate and lifelong need to take better care of ourselves.  You are already making positive changes and I hope that you keep moving forward with making diet and exercise changes. Small changes can lead to big improvement if you resolve to make it important.

Stress can be self-induced or can have external causes.  Self-induced stress can come from negative self-talk and unrealistic expectations. To illustrate this, think of a picture you may have in your head about how your day/life should be going.  When our reality doesn’t match that picture, we have stress.  External stress can be caused by others, events or circumstances for which we have little or no control.  During external stress, self-care is very important. Take some time to understand where your stress originates.  Understanding this can lead you to ways to manage it.  Here are some ways to reduce or manage stress for both mind and body: 

Vigorous vs calming activities:  Instead of bubble baths and knitting, how about tennis, biking or boxing (weather permitting, of course)?

Take mini breath breaks—Do this while sitting at a stop light, while waiting for the microwave to finish, or while having a quiet moment.  Relax your shoulders, and take in your breath deep into your diaphragm, three times or more.  Be careful that you are breathing deeply and slowly (causing your belly to move in and out); not at the top of your lungs.  These two ways of breathing stimulate the nervous system in different ways, and breathing low in your diaphragm triggers a relaxation response. Explore meditation skills to reduce stress. There are several helpful online resources.

Narrow your focus– If stressful events/tasks have you feeling anxious or worried, switch your focus to the here and now.  Here is an exercise to help illustrate this:  If you are drinking a coffee or tea, stop for a moment and feel the warmth of the mug in your hand.  Stop and recognize the aroma and  the taste on your tongue.  Breathe in deeply and take a moment of gratitude for the pleasure it brings.  Spending time being mindful of your coffee is so much better than suddenly finding it gone.

Get grounded—Grounding techniques can be helpful when things feel particularly out of control.  Stop and notice parts of your body that touch the chair, the floor.  Listen to the world around you and think about what you notice.  This is called “grounding” and can be incredibly calming.

Manage expectations and perfectionism—Work on accepting that you will never be perfect, or do things perfectly or have a perfect family; these expectations of yourself and others are not worth the risk of adding lethal stress to your life.  A good book is When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough by Martin M. Antony, PhD and Richard P. Swanson, MD.  Talking with a counselor can also help you with this.  

Schedule self-care – Your doctor asked you to “carve out time” to reduce stress.  You may have to schedule it.  I have co-workers who use their 10-minute breaks to walk the parking lot for exercise and a social connection.  We reduce stress by briefly escaping or by talking about it with someone who can help us process it. Lastly, many of us wear many hats and are really good at taking care of others.  This “health scare” is a signal it is time to care for YOU. 

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

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Julia Colpitts, LCSW

How Do I Feel Better? Recovery After Complex Traumatic Stress, Violence & AbusePresented by Julie Colpitts, LCSW. 6 Contact Hours

Clients come to us to heal from complex traumatic stress and the associated health, substance, mental health and social problems...

PortlandFri, March 1, 2019 from 8:30am – 4:00pm
Italian Heritage Center
40 Westland Ave
Portland, ME
Register LewistonTue, April 9, 2019 from 8:30 AM – 4:00 PM
Franco Center
46 Cedar Street
Lewiston, ME
Register OronoMon, April 15, 2019 from 8:30 AM – 4:00 PM
Black Bear Inn
4 Godfrey Drive
Orono, ME
Register

About the Program

Clients come to us to heal from complex traumatic stress and the associated health, substance, mental health and social problems. Emerging treatment models have improved our response to complex trauma. However, these models need accommodations when exposure to interpersonal violence and abuse is a factor.

This workshop views healing from traumatic stress through the lens of an integrated body-mind response, with strategies for physiological healing, improved emotional regulation and structural cognitive change. We will review violence-informed accommodations recommended for our usual treatment models, such as CBT. We will also expand our focus to share a mindful exploration of pathways toward calm and joy.

Exposure to violence and abuse also has implications for the healers including safety concerns and compassion fatigue. We will consider personal and systemic support for professional resiliency.

At the end of the day, participants will have strategies to address these questions:

  • Mind: What accommodations are recommended for cognitive treatment models for complex trauma when exposure to interpersonal violence exists?
  • Body: How do we integrate physiological healing into our work, using options other than meditation to build a mindful awareness of trauma-driven response patterns and promote a joyful presence in the moment?
  • Self care: How do we create trauma-informed self care: not what we do after work, but how we do the work itself?
  • Systems and safety: How do we move toward a trauma informed, safe, healing system that emphasizes strength and resilience for client and caregiver?

This workshop is appropriate for clinicians who have a basic understanding of the dynamics of intimate partner violence and are interested in deepening their clinical skills.This workshop has content relevant for clinicians who are preparing to meet Maine licensing requirements for family and intimate partner violence education.

Format: The presenter will use video, presentations, small group sessions, with questions and answer discussion embedded through this 6-hour workshop.

About the Presenter

Julie Colpitts, LCSW

Julie provides trainings nationally on responses to domestic violence, on healing for traumatized organizations and individuals, and is on faculty at Simmons University Graduate School of Social Work. She has been a deputy director at the National Network to End Domestic Violence and the Executive Director of the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence. She chaired the Maine Commission on Domestic and Sexual Abuse, sat on the Maine Domestic Abuse Homicide Review Panel and the Justice Advisory Council, the national IPV Prevention Council and the White House Task force for Open Data Policing. Prior to her anti-violence work, Julie developed behavioral health systems of care for adolescents, children and families experiencing traumatic stress.

Agenda

8:00 – 8:30 Continental Breakfast and Registration
8:30 – 10:30 Setting the Frame: Dynamics and ethical, effective responses to complex trauma when violence and abuse are present (activities 1-3)
10:30 – 10:45 Break
10:45 – 12:00 Mind: Accommodations to cognitive behavioral treatment models when treating complex trauma, abuse and ambiguous loss.
12:00 – 1:00 Lunch and networking discussions.
1:00 – 1:30 Defining the scope of practice: Risk Assessment and safety strategies.
1:30 – 2:45 Body: Integrating physiological healing into our work (activity 5)
3:00 – 3:45 Self Care: Moving toward a trauma informed, safe, healing system that emphasizes strength and resilience for client and caregiver.
3:45 – 4:00 Conference Summary and Certificate Distribution.

PortlandFri, March 1, 2019 from 8:30am – 4:00pm
Italian Heritage Center
40 Westland Ave
Portland, ME
Register LewistonTue, April 9, 2019 from 8:30 AM – 4:00 PM
Franco Center
46 Cedar Street
Lewiston, ME
Register OronoMon, April 15, 2019 from 8:30 AM – 4:00 PM
Black Bear Inn
4 Godfrey Drive
Orono, ME
Register

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Posted on by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Events, Hope & Recovery, ProgramsTagged , , , ,

Mom Is Uncomfortable with Dad’s Honesty

My husband tends to tell our kids way more information than I am comfortable sharing. For instance, he will discuss with them his holiday bonus and how it's because he works so hard that we can go on family vacations.

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on December 19, 2018 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question: My husband tends to tell our kids way more information than I am comfortable sharing. For instance, he will discuss with them his holiday bonus and how it’s because he works so hard that we can go on family vacations. Or tell them about his uncle being in prison for drug use–as a cautionary tale. Recently, he encouraged me to tell my kids that I attend Al-Anon. He feels it’s important that they understand my family’s history with alcoholism and that I serve as a good role model by seeking help. It just seems like there are certain things that need not be shared with kids. For reference, our kids are 11 and 13. Thanks for your advice!

Answer: I like your question. I can see both sides of this dilemma. Your husband has the right intention to want your children to learn that unhealthy decisions (like alcohol and drug use) can lead to a really difficult life. He also really wants them to understand that hard work has its rewards, like family vacations and other pleasant things. 

It is difficult to answer your question not knowing how the family’s stories are presented to the kids, which may help explain your concern. Honesty is actually really healthy, and if presented correctly these stories can do a lot to prepare kids for life.  Using a personal story complete with the negative consequences that went along can be a powerful teaching tool. There should be no glamorizing of the event in the telling of it.  Your children are ages 11 and 13. It is the time when they are beginning to make choices that can impact their lives and they need guidance. There is also a genetic aspect to addiction for which your children will need to be aware.  

On the other hand, your attendance at Al-Anon is private for you. The philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous and its offshoot AlAnon (for people affected by someone else’s use of substances) and Alateen (for teenagers) is based on anonymity which encourages people to seek the help and support without shame or stigma; whether or not you share this with them is up to you.  

Lastly, here is something you might think about: Many alcoholic families work very hard to keep the family drinking problem and other behaviors secret with rules like “what happens in the family stays in the family.” Children of alcoholics learn very early that it is not good/safe to share publicly or even talk about problems. On the outside, many alcoholic families look perfect.  Some of your reluctance about your husband’s “honesty” may be rooted in this old pattern.

You can be proud to be considered a “role model” by your husband. It is not easy to find your way, after growing up in an alcoholic family. It is called alcoholic family because even if it may have only one alcoholic, the whole family suffers as a result. You are doing well.

To my readers:  If you struggle with substances or have been impacted by someone else’s use and abuse of substances, a counselor can help you sort it out. It’s a healthy thing to do.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

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Posted on by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid, Q+ATagged , , , , ,

Past “Baggage” Brings Parenting Problem

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on November 26, 2018 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question:  My relationship with my brother growing up was pretty toxic. While it has improved with age, I have recently realized it has stuck with me more than I first thought. I notice that I let my baggage with my brother affect my parenting. Every little fight the kids have I assume will turn into something much bigger and scarier (my brother was verbally and physically abusive to me). How do I tame the thoughts in my head and not let my baggage affect my parenting?

Answer:  You are wise to recognize that this toxic relationship from your past is interfering with the way you parent your children today. Many people miss this important insight and can overreact, overprotect, or live in a state of depression and anxiety. Right up front, I want to say to you, and to any other reader, that processing the adverse events of one’s childhood as an adult can help change the way we view those events and they will not have the same power over our lives. The feelings from this physical and verbal abuse in your past are triggered by hearing your children fighting. That triggering can exaggerate your perception of their fighting making it seem many times worse. Please go see a counselor to talk about what you experienced when you were young. Your work with a professional counselor will give you power over those thoughts that need taming. 

When you hear your children fighting, remember that your brother is not in the mix. He is not in the room; he is in your head. Your children and their circumstances are different. Some sibling fighting is normal and helps teach them skills to navigate the disagreements they have as an adult.

I can tell from your question that you seem to be paying attention to what your children are doing. That is important. At every opportunity, teach love, respect, and empathy through activities and family events. Have family rules about acceptable behavior toward one another with consequences for fighting, poking, hurting, and teasing. These behaviors all need to be addressed when they happen in a serious but calm and straightforward way.  

Here is a review of the main points that may help:

  1. See a counselor so your past experiences do not keep interfering in the here and now.
  2. Remind yourself that just because your children are fighting, they are not in the same situation as your brother and you.  
  3. Remember, some fighting is normal.
  4. Continue to pay attention to what your children are doing. Often childhood trauma happens when no one is paying attention.
  5. Teach and model love, respect, and empathy through your words, behavior, and activities that you and your family engage in.  
  6. All family members should show respect for each other, including saying “please” and “thank you” and apologizing when they hurt each other.  
  7. Have family rules for behavior toward each other.

It is tough to have grown up with a toxic abusive relationship. I hope that through counseling you can learn how to leave that ‘baggage’ behind.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

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Posted on by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid, Q+ATagged , , , , ,

Teen Attitudes: How to Know When Moodiness Might Be a Bigger Issue

Parents of teens understand there is a certain degree of moodiness that comes with the age. After all, it is a perfectly normal developmental stage for teens to grow away from their parents and want to try out all kinds of independence. 

Sometimes for parents, this moodiness can look dark and scary. Just remember that emotionally, there is a push and pull happening inside young people. They are attracted to the changes that come with getting older, but apprehensive of their growing independence. 

In most cases, the highs and lows, moodiness, and (sometimes) surliness are normal for a teen. But how do you know if what you are seeing is within the range of normal development? When does a parent need to be concerned that teenage moodiness might be a sign of a bigger problem?

Teenage “red flags” that can signal to parents it’s time to reach out for help:

  • Lack of interest in activities that usually bring enjoyment
  • Withdrawal from family and friends 
  • Isolating
  • Changes in their normal appetite and sleep habits
  • Seemingly tired all the time with difficulty concentrating
  • Not seeming to care about things which are usually important to them
  • Failing at school and/or school refusal
  • References to drugs and alcohol, drug paraphernalia
  • Unusually reckless behavior
  • Changes in friends or their normal crowd stops coming around
  • References or threats of suicide
  • Unusually dark depressed mood (can include absorption in music and art with references to death, blood, rage, etc.)
  • Cutting self
  • Unexplained pain or stomach problems
  • Unusual lack of self-care

Other behaviors and feelings that can signal deeper problems:

  • Fear and anxiety and generally overwhelmed by life
  • An unusual episode of elevated mood and speech followed by a depressed mood
  • Behaviors such as unusual drumming, tapping, interrupting, and pressured speech can indicate other mood disorders, which should be addressed with the primary care provider

Contributing factors which can predispose some teens to problems with moodiness:

  • History of traumatic adverse childhood events (abuse, neglect, sexual trauma, etc.)
  • Divorce
  • Family history of depression and/or addiction
  • Death or loss of a loved one
  • Incarceration of a parent
  • Bullying (cyber or otherwise)

The key for parents is to evaluate what is unusual for your teen and if these behaviors are prolonged or causing problems at home or at school. If your child is exhibiting multiple “red flags” from the checklist above, it might indicate it is worth talking to your doctor and a counselor.

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a licensed counselor with Health Affiliates Maine. 

This information is not a substitute for a doctor’s or counselor’s advice.

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Posted on by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni KidTagged , , , ,

“Exciting and Scary” New Marriage Comes with Kids

This article originally appeared in Macaroni Kid on October 25, 2018 by Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS; Health Affiliates Maine

Question:  Just found Macaroni Kid through a friend and am so excited for this resource. I am a “new” mom at age 37! No, I am not expecting, but am marrying a man with 3 children whom he has part-time custody of. It is both exciting and scary. I have never been a mom before and don’t want to replace the kids’ mom. I am looking for all the resources I can on how to balance all of that, along with the newness of marriage. I look forward to your advice.

Answer:  Congratulations!  You have lots of new and wonderful additions to your life! I wish you all the best! You are wise to want to find balance in everything and to be careful with the feelings of others. These are good signs for success.

My first bit of advice is one I give to all parents and step-parents. That is: take care of your marriage. Children benefit and thrive when a marriage is healthy and it is a good model of a healthy relationship. How well the children adjust and accept you will depend a lot on what they observe, perceive, and learn from the relationship you have with their father. Make your new marriage a priority.

That being said, you will need to move slowly to give the children time to get to know you. Try to develop a unique relationship with each child that is separate from their father. Find a way to have fun together and start to make memories. Memories mean you have a history together, and the kids will begin to feel like you belong. Be prepared that one child may accept you more easily than another, but keep trying.  

Always be respectful towards the children’s mother, even when this is hard. Anger and disagreements should be taken up with your husband when you can speak in private. Your rejection of their mother will only make them defensive and want to protect her. Remember that you not only married into a family but you also gained the children’s mother in the mix. If possible, try to develop a positive relationship with her. As you defer some decisions to her, this will put her at ease, so she knows you are not trying to take her place. One mother I spoke with has had a 15-year history with her stepson. She shared that she always made a point to ask him how his mom was doing. She felt this allowed him to feel comfortable talking about her, and her comfortable hearing about her.  

In most things, defer to dad and encourage him to continue to set the parental tone; once discipline or other consequences are decided, always have a unified front. If circumstances allow, encourage him to have a healthy co-parenting relationship with his ex.  

I also want to share a bit of wisdom from a co-worker who was a stepchild. He said, “I always had ‘step-parents’ and ‘half-brother’, and didn’t realize how much this diminished my relationship with them until (when I was a young adult) my ‘step-father’ stopped calling me his step-son and started calling me his SON. When that happened, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of pride, appreciation and respect.”  

I share his comments because we often don’t fully understand how a child perceives love and acceptance. I wish you many opportunities to talk about feelings with your new children and to share lots of love.  

Being a stepparent or a parent that has to share custody of children is not an easy situation. Counselors can help parents, children and families navigate co-parenting and these relationships that can be ripe with emotion. Seeking help can make healthy families.   

Luanne Starr Rhoades, LCPC, LADC, CCS is a professional counselor and the Outpatient Therapy Director at Health Affiliates Maine, a mental health and substance abuse treatment agency serving adults, adolescents, children and families. For more information or if you or someone you know needs help, call us at 877-888-4304 or visit our website www.healthaffiliatesmaine.com and click on “Referrals.”

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Posted on by Author Randy Runnelsin Categories Macaroni Kid, Q+ATagged , , , , , ,

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